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18 November 2011 @ 07:01 pm
[drabble] [bilingual] The Drugs to Keep Me Alive  
Title: The Drugs to Keep Me Alive
Author: yoyocchi
Fandom: Hey! Say! JUMP
Pairing: Yamada/OC
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, romance
Summary: All the loveless kisses, hugs, and touches he gives her are all the things she needs to stay alive.
Warning: Typos and grammatical errors. English is not my mother language.




(ENGLISH ver.)

Don’t you know that there’s no more love in every kisses you give?

That there’s no more warmth when you embrace me in your arms?

That every touches from your fingertips doesn’t feel soft anymore?
That your heart is beating for me no more?

I can’t understand why you continue with these lies when it’s obvious that you are tired of me. I can’t understand why you keep lying to yourself when all that you want is to cut all the ties between you an me.

I myself can’t understand why I listen to your empty sweet words you whisper between the kisses you give me everytime I wake up from my nightmare, despite the truth that I no longer love you. I myself can’t understand why I’m trying hard to keep you coming back for more when you are ready to throw me away, despite the fact that I now loathe you.

Why am I so dependent on you, when you will only burn all the hopes that’s left in me? Why do I need you so, when your lies are killing me slowly? How could you, the ever-so-tempting sweet strawberry, turn into drug when I completely had no clue that I should stop feeling you before it’s too late?

I’m still awake when I notice your shadow is over my lying figure under the blanket. I feel you fill the empty space on the bed behind my back. You flap the other edge of the blanket, turn off the table lamp so the room becomes dark once again just like how it was when you hadn’t come home, then you are about to go to sleep when I whisper your name.

“Ryosuke?”

I can feel you turning you body quick move. Are you surprised to know that I haven’t fallen asleep? I turn around so we are facing each other now. We stare into each other’s eyes without meaningful gaze; we are not even smiling. Your gaze don’t say anything just like mine. Your lips form a straight line before you decide to open your mouth.

“Did I wake you?”

I shake my head. “I couldn’t sleep.”

You smile half-heartedly and push my back, getting me closer to you. “Come here.”

I drown myself in your embrace, listening to your heart beating constantly like the ticking sound of the clock on the wall. I ask you to sing a song to send me into slumber, then you start singing with your soft and melodious voice. I bury my face further into your neck, my eyelids are starting to go down and down when I catch a faint vanilla scent drifting from your skin.

“You smell like vanilla.”

My statement stops you from singing. For a moment, you become silent. Then your throat lets out an awkward laugh. I’m saying nonsense, you say, and that you will only smell like the cologne I gave you last May ninth.

You back of a bit so your lips can catch mine in one quick peck before you hug me back and bid me goodnight.

Your heart is beating fast. I can’t hold this bitter smile from appearing on my lips. Boy, it was  like you got caught red-handed in the middle of making love with your new woman, you know?

Soon, I fall asleep, accompanied by your anxious heartbeat as my lullaby.

--

After all the kisses and touches you gave me, I’m floating until I pass through layers of sky far above the earth. And the moment you stop giving them will be the moment I fear the most—the moment I will fall into the awaiting death far below.

That’s why I need you to keep me off the ground.

I still want to live.

You and your lies are the only drugs that can keep me alive.

(INDONESIAN ver.)

Tahukah kau bahwa cinta tak lagi ada dalam tiap kecupanmu?

Bahwa kehangatan tak lagi ada dalam dekapan eratmu?

Bahwa kelembutan tak lagi ada dalam sentuhan ujung jemarimu?

Bahwa jantungmu tak lagi berdebar untukku?

Aku tidak mengerti mengapa kau meneruskan kebohongan ini bila pada kenyataannya kau gerah akan diriku. Aku tidak mengerti mengapa kau berusaha keras menipu dirimu sendiri bila yang kau ingin segala hubungan antara kau dan aku berakhir segera.

Aku pun tidak mengerti mengapa aku menelan semua kata-kata manismu yang hampa yang kaubisikkan di antara kecupanmu setiap kali aku terbangun dari mimpi buruk, padahal aku tak lagi mencintaimu. Aku pun tidak mengerti mengapa aku berusaha keras agar kau tetap pulang kepadaku ketika kau akhirnya siap membuangku beserta semua cintamu padaku yang tersisa, padahal aku sangat membencimu.

Mengapa aku begitu bergantung padamu, sementara kau hanya akan merenggut semua harapan yang ada padaku? Mengapa aku begitu membutuhkanmu, sementara kebohonganmu hanya akan membunuhku perlahan-lahan? Mengapa kau, stroberi manis yang menggiurkan, berubah menjadi candu ketika aku tidak tahu-menahu bawha aku seharusnya sudah berhenti merasakanmu sebelum semuanya terlambat?

Aku masih terjaga ketika aku merasakan bayanganmu menaungi diriku yang sedang berbaring di balik selimut. Aku merasakan dirimu mengisi sisi kosong ranjang di balik punggungku. Kau mengibaskan separuh selimut bagianmu, memadamkan lampu meja sehingga ruangan kembali gelap seperti saat sebelum kau pulang, dan siap pergi tidur ketika aku membisikkan namamu.

“Ryosuke?”

Aku bisa merasakanmu membalikkan badan dengan cepat. Apakah kau kaget mengetahui belum terlelap? Aku memutar posisi badanku sehingga wajah kita berhadapan. Kita menatap satu sama lain tanpa saling memberikan tatapan penuh arti; saling tersenyum pun tidak. Sorot matamu tidak berkata apa-apa, sama halnya dengan sorot mataku. Bibirmu terkatup membentuk garis lurus sebelum kau membuka mulut.

“Apa aku membangunkanmu?”

Aku menggeleng. “Aku tidak bisa tidur.”

Kau tersenyum dengan setengah hati dan mendorong punggungku mendekat kepadamu. “Kemari.”

Aku membenamkan diriku dalam dekapanmu, mendengarkan jantungmu berdetak sekonstan jarum jam di dinding. Aku memintamu menyanyikan sebuah lagu untuk mengiriku sampai tertidur, dan kau mulai bernyanyi dengan suara pelanmu yang lembut dan merdu. Aku semakin membenamkan wajahku ke lehermu, kelopak mataku mulai turun dan turun ketika aku mendapati wangi vanila tercium samar di kulitmu.

“Kamu wangi vanila.”

Ucapanku menghentikan nyanyianmu. Kau terdiam sesaat sebelum tawa yang janggal keluar dari tenggorokanmu. Katamu aku berkata omong kosong dan bahwa kau hanya akan berwangi kolon yang kuberikan padamu bulan Mei tanggal sembilan yang lalu.

Kau bergerak menjauh sedikit agar bibirmu dapat menangkap bibirku dalam satu kecupan singkat sebelum kau kembali mendekapku dan mengucapkan selamat tidur.

Jantungmu berdetak cepat. Aku tak bisa menahan senyum pahit ini dari mengembang di bibirku. Bung, kau seperti tertangkap basah sedang bercinta dengan selingkuhanmu, kau tahu?

Aku pun tertidur, diiringi debar kecemasanmu yang menjadi nina-boboku.

--

Setelah semua ciuman dan belaian yang kauberikan, aku melayang hingga menembus berlapis-lapis langit di atas permukaan bumi. Dan saat-saat kau berhenti memberikan semua itu adalah saat-saat aku akan jatuh menembus awan, dirundung kengerian menunggu kematian yang akan menyambutku di bawah sana.

Karena itu aku butuh dirimu untuk menjagaku agar aku tetap berada di atas tanah.

Aku masih ingin hidup.

Hanya dirimu dan kebohonganmu yang mampu membuatku terus bertahan.



A/N: What. The. Hell.

So emo. So sad. So irrational. And it didn’t help brightening my already gloomy mood at all orz;;;

I hope I made it clear in the story that Yamada was having an affair with someone else, ne? And as of why Yamada continued his relationship with the OC was because he thought she still loved him and he had no guts to break her heart by telling her that he already had someone else or that he simply wanted to break up with her (he had no clue that she had found out about his affair). His character was a jerk here, but in the same time you can say that he was also kind-hearted in some way. Yamada you are a total jerk but why do I love you so much!?!!!!

So... what do you think...? And please tell me if there IS grammatical error in the story!
 
 
music: Love The Way You Lie - Eminem ft. Rihanna